Monday, January 7, 2013

Patty Reusse is one wild and crazy guy

OK, so put yourself in Patty Reusse's shoes. Or better yet, put yourself in Patty's seats at center court at Williams Arena Sunday evening. No, he's not covering the Minnesota Gopher men's basketball game. Patty doesn't cover sports anymore, that would be beneath his status as the dean of all of the sports reporters that he admires. No, Amelia Rayno can cover Gopher basketball. Patty has a higher calling. He's observing the proceedings so that he can come up with really snarky stuff to write about the Gophers and coach Tubby Smith in a future column.

And keep in mind, Patty hates Tubby Smith. Of all the despicable, sociopath personalities in sports, running around with guns and deliberately trying to injure fellows on the other side of the ball, of all the panoply of freaks and wierdos in the sports world today, Patty designated Tubby Smith last Thanksgiving as the one sportsman most deserving of being held up to ridicule as Patty's Turkey of the Year.

So, now, put yourself in Patty's...whatever. The Gophers and Northwestern got off to a slow start, shall we say, and after one half of fairly inept basketball, the Gophers lead 17-14. Well, Patty is beside himself. He can't wait for a future column to say the snarkiest things he can possibly contrive about Gopher basketball. He's got to do it right now.

But you gotta hand it to him, what a sense of humor! He looks around Williams Arena and sees Gopher recruits (and nationally recruited) Tyus Jones and Rashad Vaughn sitting behind the Gopher bench, and so Patty tweets this great one-liner. You could almost hear the laughter breaking out all over the Twin Cities and Williams Arena (OK<, not) when Patty's legion of fans read, "Tyus Jones and Rashad Vaughn both announced at halftime that the University of Minnesota is off their lists."

Tyus Jones immediately tweets Reusse back saying, "Reusse you have incorrect information sir."

Now, any self-respecting person not absolutely and utterly filled up with himself would have said, "Tyus, my bad, it was meant as a joke. If you took it seriously, then it was a bad joke. I apologize." But no, Mr. Full-of-Himself tweeted back, "Thank god, you weren't watching."

A few minutes later, Reusse tweeted, "Dear Gopher fans: Shut up and sit on your hands. You're embarrassing yourselves cheering this travesty."

Ha, ha. What a kidder.

What a !@#$%^& freak! He doesn't condescend to report sports new anymore, and now he's above even commenting on it, no, he's gotta be the guy who is creating the news. If people took his advice, he could write that Gopher fans weren't cheering, that they didn't support Tubby and our Gophers. And of course the coup de grace that would just absolutely make Patty's day, month, year would be for the Gophers to lose out on 2 of the most highly recruited Minnesotans ever. This pretty obviously is the storyline Patty is hoping to report.

Instead, the Gophers put on a show during the 2nd half, scoring 52 points. Austin Hollins proved to be Patty's public enemy number one by hitting 5 straight 3-points over a 3 1/2 minute period to thrill Gopher fans and put the Wildcats out of their misery. But they say that misery loves company, and the Wildcats obviously had company in the person of Patty Reusse, who had to have been just heartbroken to see the Gophers spoil his preferred story line.

But wait. Who says it's spoiled? Patty is going to write it anyway. It's only a question of when. What a !@#$%^& freak!

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